Republicans debate?

It's hard to believe but presidential election season is already upon us. Well, I think it is upon those of us who pay too much attention to politics for now but it will be upon the rest of us soon. This time next year we will all certainly be ready to kill our selves rather than hear yet another word about it. In fact, seeing how things have gone since our last election, combined with the notion that some of us are still burned out from the 2008 election cycle, it is truly hard to fathom that we are really going to go through all this horse shit again. What's worse, the polarization between the "parties" has not decreased in the slightest and, if anything, has ramped up to a level of such bullshittery that I have to make up words in an attempt to even sort of encapsulate "the current mood."

And BOY HOWDY! How about that "current mood," eh? There has been so much shit slinging around the national political scene in the last two months that the whole of the Bush Administration is starting to almost come off peaceful in retrospect. The debt standoff garbage right through the current FEMA "stand off" all the while watching the economy continue to drown in shit it is absolutely no wonder Obama's polling so low. Yet, despite all of that and especially despite the notion that the right wing messaging machine has, more or less, been able to hang this dying turkey right around Obama's neck. They can't seem to find anyone able to beat the guy in the next election. Instead they have trotted out a ridiculous group of rodeo clowns to rip into each other for not being conservative enough over and over and over in a series of soul deadening debates.

So, with that in mind join me on this journey through future-possible as we take a look at each of the current crop of "contenders" in the 2012 "we MUST beat Obama" campaign!

First...The Perceived "FRONT RUNNERS!"

Hi there.

Meet Mitt Romney, 47, Business guy, former governor of Massachusetts, Pisces, Mormon, product of Stanford, Bringham Young, and Harvard and gosh darn handsome, isn't he? Don't you want to just cast him in the movie, "The Republican President" or perhaps the Republican's upcoming version of "The West Wing" called, "Lowering Corporate Taxes." Trouble with Mitt is nobody can really get behind him what with all the flip-flopping, course correcting, and mind changing. Republicans aren't excited about him and neither is anyone else. He is also been labeled as the "father of Obamacare" with his Massachusetts state health insurance he implemented there while governor. His big chance is that, next to all the other folks running so far, he is the one who appears the least insane. And that's not saying much! Verdict: He is most likely to win the nomination, at least as of this writing, and thus most likely able to maybe possibly defeat Obama. Reality is he is also most likely to be the Republican John Kerry and will lose lose lose.

Yeah, take that corn dog...take it all.

Meet Governor of Texas, Rick Perry, 61, also a Pisces, Evangelical Christian, former Democrat (circa 1989). While not the only Texan running as of this writing probably the one most responsible for the reactionary phrase, "read my lips, NO NEW TEXANS." When he initially threw his hat in the Republican nomination ring he was immediately given "front runner" status and "shook up the race" all while taking steam from the presumed Mitt Romney and early upstart Tea Party Favorite Michele Bachmann. Alas, not unlike many Republican Texans, all involved forgot to account for the notion that he's a Jackass. He also wants to give in-state tuition to illegal immigrant children born here so they can go to college here and also wanted to use an executive order to "force" innocent little girls to get inoculated against HPV. Which, you know, is LIBERAL SOCIALISM!?!?

On top of that he scares old people by saying social security is unconstitutional and a Ponzi scheme and implied he would make it go away. Verdict: Actually having worked as Lt. Governor under Bush II (and also for Gore in his Democratic days) he really kind of makes Bush look like a rocket surgeon. So, I can only assume he will go on to win the nomination and the Presidency because, hell, you could just sit down and have a beer with him. In reality, he's gonna lose lose lose but at least the presidential debates next year will be funny as hell.

That said, I bet I know a major lobbyist organization who will funnel him some coin...

Yeeeeee-HAW!!!

 ...as Gov. Rick Perry sat in front of group of South Carolina citizens and was asked:

 "Are you for gun control?” The audience howled with laughter that the question was even asked, but Perry answered dutifully: “I am actually for gun control.” 

(At this point you could hear the laughter nervously diminish.) 

Then Perry added, “Use both hands.” Ah, the howling of laughter and thunderous applause returned.

The NRA just came.

And Now, The current "Straw Poll Winners"

Mmmmmm.

Minnesota House of Representatives own, Michele Bachmann, 55, Aries, Also Evangelical Christian, winner of the Iowa straw poll in August, Possibly insane. You know, there is so much one could poke fun at that it's overwhelming. Then, after one thinks about her and the fact that the collective "we" are actually pretending to take her seriously, it gets kind of scary. She is everything insane about the far right and the Tea Party and one need not look any further than to watch her official Tea Party response to the 2011 state of the union speech this past winter.

HOLY FUCK WHO IS SHE LOOKING AT!?!?!

You can just go on an on but I won't...Though if you want more you might want to visit this fun list compiled by Think Progress that includes gems such as:

“normalization” of homosexuality would lead to “desensitization”: “Very effective way to do this with a bunch of second graders, is take a picture of ‘The Lion King’ for instance, and a teacher might say, ‘Do you know that the music for this movie was written by a gay man?’ The message is: I’m better at what I do, because I’m gay.”

Mmm-Hmm, you know who else seems gay?

Marcus Bachmann digs fashion!

Verdict: I would like her to win the nomination because the insanity would be thirty times more entertaining than even the potential balls out nuttery we could get with Perry. The reality is that I think even other crazy people in the right think she's nuts so she ain't winning shit.

Moving on to our the winner of the Florida Straw poll in September...

Guv'ment like Pizza.

Former Godfather's Pizza CEO, Herman Cain, 66, National Baptist, Sagittarius. Also a former president of the National Restaurant Association who, as President-elect of said organization, was credited with helping "defeat" the Clinton attempt at socializing America's health care. This from Newsweek in September 1994:

The Clintons would later blame "Harry and Louise," the fictional couple in the ads aired by the insurance industry, for undermining health reform. But the real saboteurs are named Herman and John. Herman Cain is the president of Godfather's Pizza and president-elect of the National Restaurant Association. An articulate black entrepreneur, Cain transformed the debate when he challenged Clinton at a town meeting in Kansas City, Mo., last April. Cain asked the president what he was supposed to say to the workers he would have to lay off because of the cost of the "employer mandate." Clinton responded that there would be plenty of subsidies for small businessmen, but Cain persisted. "Quite honestly, your calculation is inaccurate," he told the president. "In the competitive marketplace it simply doesn't work that way."
The switchboard at Godfather's was lit up with supportive calls. It was as if the small business community -- a very large and politically powerful group -- had been told to march on Washington. Cain, said Larry Neal, an aide to Sen. Phil Gramm, "was the lightning rod."

Republicans like business guys who shit on liberal bullshit like health care and even I admit he makes a certain amount of sense, not unlike our next contender, about certain things at certain times. Which must mean he is a radical! He's also way blacker than the current black president so it would be neat to see signs at the convention that read, "I see your black is not as black as mine!" Verdict: The straw poll and applause at recent debates will probably amount to jack shit as the Republicans may perceive Herman as a chance and that is something they don't like taking.

And then, the vicitm of the media conspiracy to ignore and the "people's" choice:

Pictured humming a show tune through his right nostril

RON PAUL! U.S. Senator, 76, Virgo, Baptist, may have slept with Ayn Rand. Has rabid, over committed supporters and fans. Generally, when I meet a conservative person who is too smart to feel comfortable supporting the current crop of Republicans they usually either identify themselves as an Eisenhower Republican or they love Ron Paul. They usually don't say they support him, they say they LOVE him or exclaim he is awesome and then start talking about how the Fed should be abolished and all the wasteful government offices like the stupid, fucking, liberal shit-house EPA or fatuous Department of Education need to go the fuck away. I like him because he is honest about what he believes and is also vehemently anti-war, anti-empire and tells the truth where things like 9/11 are concerned. Which, during one of the recent debates, was sad as he was booed for not agreeing with Rick Santorum when Santorum said "the terrorists attacked us because of our freedom." He replied:

"You said that it was our actions that brought about the actions of 9/11," Santorum said. “Congressman Paul, that is irresponsible.”
Paul, an unapologetic isolationist, defended his views, and said that Santorum’s contention that the country was attacked by Al Qaeda because the terrorist organization resented America’s position in the world was wrong.
“This idea that whole Muslim world is attacking us because we’re free and prosperous, that is just not true,” Paul said.
Many in the crowd began to boo and hiss, drowning out Paul as he attempted to explain Muslim sympathies for the plight of the Palestinians.

The boos and cheers have been a running side show feature of the early Republican debates and they reveal a lot about us as a people and particularly those on the unapologetic right. Ron Paul tells them something they don't want to hear, BOOOO! Rick Perry tells them he has executed 240 motherfuckers, YAAAAY!  There are eccentrics on every side Ron Paul just seems to get the good ones...

Kane gonna' havta' choke slam a bitch?

Verdict: You never know with his rabid support but I think in comparison to the rest of us his "fans" still are a fringe percentage that remains less than 10%. So, the reality is that he's not gonna make it though his supporters will still write him in every chance they get regardless of whether he's nominated or not. It's also worth noting that, in a way, just by getting some of his message out there and involved in the "national Republican debate" is a win in and of itself.

And then there's the rest...

Using his Psychic powers to summon bullshit

Newt Gingrich, former U.S. Speaker of the House, 68, Gemini, Roman Catholic, bloviating asshole. Famously led the anti-Clinton campaigns in the 1990's including the government shut down that saw him eventually shut down himself when he eventually resigned from Congress in 1998. QUITTER! I also loved that he was a leader in the impeachment movement for the blowjob heard round the world while also cheating on his wife. Also, most of his campaign staff left this turkey months ago, why he is still here remains one of those, "known unknowns."  Verdict: Thanks for playing and it does take balls to quit government and then come back and try for the top job 15 years later! Too bad nobody gives a shit.

Next...

Mammy!

Jon Huntsman, 51, Former Governor of Utah, the other Mormon, Aries, best known for being appointed as ambassador to China by Obahhmah and weakly attempting to appeal to the "kids" by referencing Nirvana in one of the debates. I suppose, by kids, he was thinking of those of us in our late 30's who actually listened to Nirvana. He also is helping the stereotype that Mormons all look like catalog models for middle age suit companies. Verdict: Liberal fuckwads like me can almost stand him so that means there is NO way he is coming any closer to any nominations! That, combined with the fact that a simple internet search will find this...

Oops...

Next.

Rick Santorum, 53, Former U.S. Senator, Taurus, Roman Catholic, Homophobe.

Santorum 1. The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex. 2. Senator Rick Santorum.

Nice, that is still the first link you see when you Google Rick Santorum and frankly is just about all you need to know about him. He even knows about it and apparently has contacted Google to complain:

Now, the Republican presidential candidate says he’s convinced Google could do something to remedy the issue, if the company wanted to.

“I suspect if something was up there like that about Joe Biden, they’d get rid of it,” Santorum said. “If you're a responsible business, you don't let things like that happen in your business that have an impact on the country.”
He continued: “To have a business allow that type of filth to be purveyed through their website or through their system is something that they say they can't handle but I suspect that's not true.”

Isn't that cute that he thinks the one link that comes up more than any other when you Google him somehow has an impact on the country. Verdict: LOL!

Let's move on...

 

Gary Johnson, 58, former Governor of New Mexico, Capricorn, Lutheran. He had one applause line in the one debate that I was aware he was invovled in when he joked that his dog has created more shovel ready jobs then Obama has. The next day it was noted that he stole that joke from Rush Limbaugh. Panderer no one has ever heard of? Verdict: Gary Johnson ran for president? 

And finally, there's those who they wish would run/might yet run/sucking cash out of their hapless supporters with a constant tease of maybe possibly running but probably won't because of celebrity whoredom...

    

Sarah Palin!

Yes, this (and they) are fake.

I am no longer sure that EVERYONE is hoping that Palin will finally quit wishy-washing her way through an endless, pointless, talent less media tour as it is becoming as plain as day that she simply cannot win. Though she comes off a little better these days now that Bachmann is out there stealing the "hot, female Republican" thing. Verdict: Doubtful she will run but if she does she will show up and declare AT the convention after all the debates and after the nomination process has ended because she's a rogue!

Which leaves, again as of this writing, the latest great white fat hope of Fox news and their Republican brainwash victims...

I ate five buckets of chicken!

Chris Christie, Governor of New Jersey, 49, Virgo, Roman Catholic, may have also fawked Snooki. Once Governor Perry clearly began failing in the first few debates he participated in the Republican pundiocracy began their monthly whine of discontent and all eyes went to the current governor of New Jersey as apparently he is a favored son of the GOP. More than once this year Fox news, the Koch brothers and others apparently begged among the crumbs and gristle at this man's feet to please, please help save America from terribul liberalism and run for President. And again Chris Christie jilted his lovers with another NO. The Republican masters of the universe just love him though:

Several dozen potential Christie backers attended a meeting in July convened by Mr. Langone to introduce the governor to top-shelf Republican donors, many of them on the sidelines so far in the 2012 campaign. Others saw him in action in June, when Mr. Christie quietly flew to Colorado to speak at a private retreat hosted by Mr. Koch and his brother, Charles, another prominent Republican donor.
And while Mr. Christie has so far resisted their entreaties, he is facing a renewed effort in recent days following stumbles by Gov. Rick Perry of Texas, whose debate performances and stances on Social Security, immigration and other issues have left many major donors looking again for someone they think can take on Mr. Obama next year.

Ooh, they just love him as he is anti-union, pro-business and likes to say he wants to control runaway spending. But alas, he must be smart enough to know to run when he thinks he has a real chance to win and that might be 2016.

The other folks people like Bill Kristol are pining for:

Watching this week as Mitch Daniels intelligently promoted his book and Paul Ryan cogently explained why crony capitalism is inconsistent with the rule of law, we of course lamented that neither of them had stepped up to the challenge. Jeb Bush apparently isn’t getting in. That would seem to leave Chris Christie.

It would seem to leave you up shit creek without a GOP paddle Bill. This is the result of too many years of divisive politics and ridiculous, inflexible clinging to failed ideology that you are left with a can of lose and the three people who, at least to Bill Kristol, come off as potential winners clearly see the forest for the trees. You have got to be "Reagan-like" to beat an incumbent Democrat and despite, again, Obama's really low poll numbers right now Obama is still edging out each individual candidate, albeit slightly. Though you might notice he is losing across the board to "generic Republican" at the moment. This is also mildly ironic that the number one goal of the whole GOP, and their underlings, is "to beat Obama." Perhaps next time they could try, I don't know, governing? Not that means much of shit right now as we have a full year to watch these polls vacillate wildly. Then, I still believe for now, Obama will win anyway and what will the hissy fits look like then?

So, in Four years the 2016 preview might include Christie above and maybe...

Mitch Daniels, sucking an invisible dick!

Paul Ryan, sad face because Ryan is SO close to Ayn Rand!

Maybe the 3rd Bush will be the charm?

Thanks for enduring this one kids!

Remembering 9/11 properly

By Hamster Running on the Server Wheel

This had been a fairly sacred weekend in the Hamster household one which I observed internet posting as a means of promoting the silence I thought appropriate in remembering 9/11. Which is why my input here has been minimal and also part of why I am posting after the fact. Plus it gave me cause to come here and be offended by the anti-American, hate-speech posted last week by this blog's namesake contributor and liberal loon, Ahlblogger.

How anyone, but a liberal, socialist, lunatic could post such hateful words about their own country and 9/11 in just a few paragraphs is almost completely beyond me. I say almost because it has also become obvious that the liberal swine have all gotten similar marching orders in their talking points this past weekend and they decided the 10th anniversary of the greatest, most awful American tragedy ever to happen is yet another chance to spew their bullshit, socialist, hate speech. Yet another chance to further divide this country with their wet-nosed, naive, self-loathing, spoiled, ungrateful diatribes.

Let's start with Ahblogger's whiny, condescending bullshit post from last week in which he cries about not wanting to rip open his precious scabs that he claims are now healed wounds he apparently received on 9/11. Take from me, I haven't known him all of his life nor do I know everything about him, but I do know that he was no where near 9/11 when it happened. He was sitting on his fat, hairy, blogger-to-be-ass, in Chicago and called off of work so he could spend the whole day sitting in front of a TV like 98% of this country. So, THAT is apparently the painful sores he is describing as bed sores from being an immobile couch potato. He then goes on to whine about the Iraq freedom mission like it is some unconnected skirmish that happened to happen post 9/11 when it was a clear, no shit move by a clear no shit LEADER to help stomp down those fucking A-rabs in the mid-east deep into their sandy holes they crawled out of coveting all of our oil.

And that's the REAL issue here, not some namby-pamby wish we could be even more of a nanny state than B. Hussein could ever dream of, but the horrific (for them) realization that the real world is a hard place to live and real men have to make real decisions in order for a real America to survive. And that is exactly what our real President Bush did; made a decision, a GREAT decision to not only take the fight back over to Afghanistan but to also take the fight over to Iraq so all those motherfuckers over there can hear us loud and clear. One thing, of many, that I remember from 9/11 with great pride is when Bush showed up at ground zero and gave the one of the greatest Presidential speeches ever given and said through his bullhorn,
"I can hear you, the rest of the world hears you, and the people who knocked down these buildings will hear all of us soon."

What a uniting moment that was! That's another fond memory I can pull out from amongst the angry memories of that time, the unity. Everyone was American again and for a time the liberals weren't crying about how they hated their country and the congress actually gathered together on the steps of the capital and sang God Bless America.



That was such a beautiful thing to come out of such a god awful terror attack as can be imagined. There are people in this world that cannot be reasoned with, appealed to with liberal ideology, negotiated with, or dealt with as a "law enforcement" issue. These muslimaniacs have to be defeated and George Bush knew it and acted he didn't sit around in his office and cry about compromises and bipartisan anything. He acted and in that action he strove to make America great again. It would have succeeded too if it weren't for all meddling, belly-aching, liberal pussies who clearly take advantage of the freedoms others died for and dared to question the appropriate and speedy military response America orchestrated both by the end of 2001 and again in 2003. 

Whiny, liberal turds like Paul Krugman who even today can't be American enough to support our country then, in our time of greatest need, or even now, ten years later when he discusses our apparent, "years of shame." He actually thinks:

The atrocity should have been a unifying event, but instead it became a wedge issue. Fake heroes like Bernie Kerik, Rudy Giuliani, and, yes, George W. Bush raced to cash in on the horror. And then the attack was used to justify an unrelated war the neocons wanted to fight, for all the wrong reasons.

 Can you believe that ungrateful asshole? SHOULD have been a unifying event? Did he never see Congress completely united in singing God Bless America? What more did he need? Then...THEN...He has the nerve to claim that true, honest-to-goodness, real, America Heroes such as President Bush, Bernard Kerik and Rudy Giuliani (I KNOW!?!) are FAKE.

FAKE!!!

You know Paul Krugman and his cry-baby New York times "editorials" are the only fake things around here. Everybody related the Iraq war to 9/11 then because the Iraq war was related to 9/11?!  How stupid is Krugman? Or Ahlblogger? Who also seems to want to magically disconnect history to conveniently fit his warped, liberally fantastical vision of one of the greatest Presidents in modern times. Just look at any map of the Middle East of Arabia and you can see how close is Iraq is to Afghanistan and one can deduce that they clearly could have had weapons of mass destruction, worked with terrorists and had a bunch of our oil underneath their sand. When you are number one you got to throw some punches after some turban headed, radical, muslimaniac punches you right in the eye. You simply cannot sit back and cry to the UN with your woobie and play politics then have some kind of wussy trial...What would that have accomplished?

I will never forget 9/11. I will never forget the heroes we lost that day or the heroic actions of The crime fighting Mayor Giuliani or Bernard Kerik or the bold actions and speeches of President George Bush and Vice-President Dick Cheney. I knew someone who was a firefighter who knew another fire fighter who worked in Wisconsin and went to ground zero to help them clean up and cook brats for the rest of those real American heroes who were there. Saving lives. Ahlblogger wasn't there, Paul Krugman wasn't there and neither was Obama. They just stood on the sidelines and didn't contribute nothing but liberal detraction to bring America back to the divided political mess that it is once again today. Bush finally had the country back on track to being a great country, he nearly started the next "greatest generation" and liberal, pussy, Democrats stood in the way at every step of the way with their political correctness, anti-war hippie protests, Big government regulations that have threaten to bring this country down today. It's sad really, what an awful legacy that Obama and the other socialists have worked so hard in ruining this country. We could have won those wars, avoided the great recession, and continue to be the number one country in the world if it wasn't for them. Hell, Obama himself wouldn't have to hide behind a bunch of bullet proof glass if they really knew what was good for them, and us.

Pathetic.

Another Gawd Damn 9/11 thing

Hope you enjoyed the August recess! Welcome back to it 'Mericans; looks like we got a whole lot of fun coming up this week from Presidential speeches about getting jobs in pivots, or something, GOP presidential debates and, of course, the TEN YEAR ANNIVERSARY of NINE-ELEVEN!!!

 

TEN YEARS MAN!?!?!   What else is there to say?

 
The inevitable deluge of specials, thoughtful essays, special remembrance issues, collector plates and social media posts simply cannot be avoided. Nor can I sit here and assign blame or perhaps some kind of disdain towards any of it as it is amazing that is HAS been ten years already. Why it seems like it JUST happened sometimes. That said, I really haven't forgotten the fucking thing even a little bit and quite frankly I am not sure how much time I want to spend diving back into 9/11. Everything changed that day for the country, for the victims, for their families, for the rest of us. Everything. It was an awful, terrible, horrible thing and it won't be soon forgotten until the bulk of us who were around then are fucking dead.


So, instead of spending a bunch of time and keystrokes revisiting the pain and confusion of that day I will, take a moment to realize that I have not stopped thinking about 9/11 much since then. I have watched, and re-watched several documentaries, feature films, television shows about or inspired by it. I have read waaay too many books about it, including the official report, insider accounts, investigative journalist accounts that I simply do not feel the need to go and rip those scabs open for the sake of a milestone birthday. Particularly, when you take stock on those very ten years and see just how stupid we were, and continue to be, since then. From the initial reactions, the immediate (and in some corners on going) anti-Islamic vibe, the onset of what has now become an open ended and endless war, the Patriot Act, the forward push towards an Orwellian security state and so much more it hurts my head just trying to list it out. I guess what I am trying to say here is, goddamit, I am sick of "9/11." I tire of the rhetoric that has become tied to this attack, the solemn, bell tolling, moment of silence shit. Particularly when it's being exploited for political anything on either side. It's like this sour rhubarb that people on the right and left serve up when they think they are being serious or wishing for our unity we thought we felt that day.

This is probably a temporary feeling and perhaps as more time goes on I will learn to re-appreciate the monumental-ness of that surreal and awful morning. But for right now, for the ten year reunion tour, I am pissed off about it. As a result this post is trending negative and a little on the glib. If someone sees this and gets offended then allow me to apologize right here. Sorry. But gawdammit, it makes me feel so manipulated these days, dirty, ugly and fake especially when I see a bumper sticker or some such that says, "never forget." How can I? How can anyone? Why can't we? Why do we need such a reminder?

There's a lot to get bothered about when it comes to this attack and I think one of the most offensive things I have seen more than a few times in the various "let's look back" sort of articles is how we continue to associate the Iraq war with 9/11 as if it was somehow linked in any real way. That was an illegal action executed under the cover of the ever more abstract, and unwinnable, "war on terror" and  almost in retrospect at that. Oh sure, we "we're going to get those weapons of mass destruction" but we all know how that turned out...Continues to turn out...Even more fucking dead people. In fact, I think I can safely say, without doing any additional research, that we, us, Americans, have killed more people since 9/11 between all our wars, drone attacks, torture, and who knows what the hell else, then were actually killed on 9/11. We probably have lost more Americans alone since 9/11 in the name of 9/11 then we lost on 9/11 and we probably have been responsible for thousands, probably tens of thousands, of non-American deaths since 9/11 in the name of, or response to, 9/11.

Fuck.

That's a lot of dead motherfuckers.

Perhaps, I should express myself with a 9/11 poem?

Blue Skies, no planes.
The buildings are burning.
People are jumping.
Blah blah fucking blah.

Hey there stupid, fat, American consumer! Why are you sitting at home re-living America's greatest televised tragedy or spending time standing with your neighbors in the park holding a burning candle this Patriot's Day? Why be reactive when you can BUY STUFF!

That's right fatso! Whip out that credit card because Uncle Sam wants YOU...To buy this 9/11 commemorative plate set! You get one plate per month for two-years, only $49.95 per plate! What a great deal and what a GREAT way to remember the heroes and tragic victims of NINE ELEVEN by eating your fat, greasy, meals right off their likeness!?!  Here's Firefighter Dave, the first guy to go into the tower one! Cover him in a pound of buttery mashed potatoes! Here's a fellow American waving a shirt for help in tower two, slap some fried chicken right on it! It's dishwasher safe so you will never forget AND enjoy another dinner!

After eating all that greasy, fattening shit you call food off of a painted representation of someone who died in the most horrible and public way yet dreamed of YOUR going to need to wipe off that face...So, why not buy this huge roll of patriotic paper towels for only $19.95 featuring pictures of the American Flag hanging on the Pentagon, Standing in the rubble of the towers, and in the smoke billowing for the field in Pennsylvania. All rendered in slightly staining and possibly somewhat poisonous ink. Just get your pasta stains all over that tragedy AND OWN IT! And after that, when diarrhea strikes, why not enjoying evacuating your bowels into the authentic, all American, 9/11 commemorative toilet with two incredibly bright LED lights shining up from the inside of the bowl RIGHT UP YOUR OWN, FAT, AMERICAN ASS!!! ONLY THREE EASY PAYMENTS OF $149.95!?!?!

 What else can you do but laugh? Even though it's not remotely funny. So, fuck 9/11. That's how I choose to think about this anniversary, this milestone, this decade of awful actions and reactions all alongside this festering wound full of money and bullshit we currently call our government today. So, in that spirit I think my favorite thing to come out of this decade, which is directly related to all of the above, is going to be the way I will "celebrate Patriot's Day" this year is by watching "Team America" again:



 Also September 11th is Grandparent's Day this year so, if you have little kids, bring them over to grandpa's house and let them explain "why they hate us" for a day and you can stay home and watch FOOTBALL it's the NFL kickoff Sunday!!! The Lockout is over! WE CAN HAS FOOTBAHL!

AMERICA!  FUCK YEAH!!!