Starbutt

Man, I had heard that once you cross the border into your thirties is when you just start to notice that your body isn't holding up as well as it had been all along. Hang-overs hang longer and harder, workouts leave you sore for days instead of hours, doctor visits have to become more regular and so on. The good part about doctors now is that they start wanting to finger your asshole if you're a guy more often. I am not a big fan of this so I avoid it all costs.

However, my ass, for the first time in my life, has been causing me trouble. It started with a weird, unusual itch that evolved slowly into a downright burn at times. It just felt like something was happening in the depths of my butt that hasn't happened before. I assumed it has to either be ass cancer or hemorrhoids so I treated my ass with a wide variety of ass creams and gels to no avail. So, one day recently, I finally gave in and paid a visit to my local physician. It is uncomfortable enough having to have some near stranger fondling my body parts in ways that just are not sexy but to have to go in and start a conversation with Dr. Bouquayteet (A fine, learned Indian fellow) all about my ass is not high on my list of things I like to do.

"Dr. Boobietit? My butt has been itching and burning BAD...What could it be?"

Dr. Bouquayteet really doesn't care for the way I pronounce his name and his usually gentle expression turned sour a moment and he coldly suggested, "Probably hemorrhoids. Turn around and drop your pants." He magically produced a glove and snapped it in on and paged the nurse who conveniently entered the room just as I was bending over the exam table with my pants down.

"Oh Dr. Bouquayteet, look at that man's balls!? They hang so low..." Then Dr. Boobietit and she shared a giggle. This did not make me feel comfortable. Dr. Boobietit even jingled them with a gloved finger and they broke out into a laugh. I was humiliated.

"HEY!" I barked.

"Yes, well Mr. Assberg, maybe we can use my proper name, eh? Dr. BOO QUAY TEET, Yes?"

The nurse laughed some more then asked if he needed some petroleum jelly to which the doctor said, "No, I believe we will be doing this exam dry." She laughed again and left the room saying something about how she doesn't need to see any more.

Dr. Boobietit then calmly said, "You need to relax here while I check this out..." He spread my hairy cheeks then exclaimed,

"Bishnu! "

And stepped away with his eyes popping.

"What?! WHAT IS IT!?"

"Mr. Assberg, did you not know that there is a series of storefronts being built in your ass?"

I narrowed my eyes, "Please Doc. What is it really?"

"I am not kidding there is a mini-mall going up in your ass, Mr. Assberg. In fact, it appears the Subway has already opened!"

The silence was palpable. I finally said, "Please. What is really wrong?"

Dr. Boobietit then held a mirror up to my ass so that I may see and sure enough there was a small storefront half finished in my ass! The open for business Subway on the north end while the shop next door remained vacant with a small sign that appeared to read, 'Coming Soon' a something something I couldn't read. Before I could speak any further the door to the Subway opened and a couple of ass-sized construction workers came out, apparently having just finished their lunch, and they went to work on the unfinished side of my ass plaza.

"Hmm, Mr. Assberg, I would suggest the burning you feel from time to time may be a result of those fantastic Subway sandwiches being toasted! I quite like the Chicken Bacon Ranch myself." This seem to amuse him more than confuse him...Which I found odd as I was completely bewildered.

"Doc? This doesn't concern you at all?" A measure of panic had no begun to register in my voice.

"Oh, no no no noooo, This sort of thing is happening more and more these days. Development is the way of the future and really you need to look at the bright side!"

"bright side?! BRIGHT SIDE!?! THERE IS A BRIGHT SIDE TO HAVING A SUBWAY IN MY ASS!!!!"

"Ohhh yes, Mr. Assberg Subways are everywhere and they really can increase the value of the property they're located in. Your ass is probably worth twice as much as it was before! And I should probably tell you that it looks like the other shop is going to be a Starbuck's!"

Starbuck's!?!"

"Well, really it will be a Starbutt's as they call it when they build in people's butts."

"You mean to tell me that their are other people out there with Starbuck's and Subways in their asses?!"

"Sure, many people...They are always shocked at first but then they get used to the discomfort and quite enjoy it. They end up never having to go far for a good cup of coffee or a nice sandwich, it is very nice. Okay?"

The way he said 'Okay' gave me the impression that this examination was no over and he wasn't going to do anything about it. He could see from the look in my eye that I was still not through.

"Mr. Assberg, do not worry this will become very profitable for you. I recommend that you get in contact with the lesser company that contracted your ass to be built in. They will likely pay you a marginal fee as a sort of property tax. Be thankful that they have not chosen a 7-11 as they always come with a gas station and believe me you would not like having a major traffic pattern in your ass."

With that he patted me on the back and quickly turned and left the room.

"Wait! Dr. Boobietit!"

"Dr. BOO QUAY TEET!" He said behind him as he left the examination room.

It has been a few months since my 'diagnosis' and Dr. Boobietit was right in that I became used to the strange discomfort associated with having two popular businesses operating on the edge of my anus. It has made lunch easier and more convenient for myself as the Subway manager, a nice Pakistani woman named Ruby, gives me free sandwiches though she reminds me that she doesn't have to as she pays her rent to a lesser company called "Every Corner of America." Which, by the way, has never returned any phone calls or letters outside of a check for $500 I received for this apparent 'property tax.'

The sandwiches taste the same but the coffee is less desirable. The Starbutt's has altered their menu to reflect the location so instead of Americana they serve Tim-Tainted brown water. I am told that this sells fairly well. Not that I know anyone who patronizes my ass as my friends and family refuse to believe me, look to see that they are there and obviously they do not choose to buy anything.

I heard a rumor that a Walgreen's is going to be built on top of my balls, just beneath my dick next fall. I can't wait.